How to Talk About Money in Your Relationships Part 01

Money is a topic that can cause huge contention in relationships. Have you ever had conversations that sound something like this…

Partner 1: “We need to cut back on our spending.”
Partner 2: “Yes, but you think your $5 coffee is essential and my online shopping isn’t.”
Partner 1: “Exactly. I wouldn’t survive without my coffee but I’m sure you can survive
without 20 pairs of shoes…”
(Cue argument! It’s common for couples to have disagreements around defining what is ‘essential’ spending.)

Partner 1: “We need to save for our future and emergencies.”
Partner 2: “I want to be able to enjoy life now and make memories.”
A heated discussion ensues about booking an overseas holiday. One person wants to discuss the ins and outs of the monetary aspects. The other person wants to discuss relaxing on the beach and going on adventures. (This conversation will probably end in a stand-off where you are not only on different pages but are in entirely different books.)

Partner 1: “Why is the credit card bill so high?”
Partner 2: “Not sure, let’s see… Oh YOU spent $150 on golf.”
Partner 1: “Yeah but YOU spent $200 on skincare!”
(Result: A reluctant truce is called. Until next months bill arrives.)

For many couples these conversation end in a full-blown argument or with one or both parties shutting down and refusing to continue the discussion. As a general rule we haven’t been taught how to communicate effectively. This is why having a conversation about money where each partner has different beliefs, strategies and opinions can be difficult.

Here are three ideas to help you feel more empowered to begin financial conversations.

1.Create a Safe Space
Often people avoid talking about money due to past negative experiences. These are some scenarios you or your partner may have encountered.

Growing Up in a Household Where Money = Conflict – Emma avoids financial conversations because she grew up watching her parents argue about money. This means she associates financial conversations with stress and tension.
Feeling Ashamed of Past Debt – Mark hesitates to talk about finances with his partner because past debt left him feeling ashamed and afraid of being judged.
When Money Conversations Were Constantly Shut Down – After being ignored and dismissed in a past relationship where her partner controlled all the finances, Sophia now struggles to start conversations about money.
Trust Broken Because of Money Secrets – Daniel struggles to trust his new partner with finances after his ex hid her spending and was financially irresponsible. He was left to deal with the consequences.
Feeling Unequal and Insecure About Earnings – Rachel feels guilty about earning more than her partner, while her partner feels insecure about contributing less, making financial discussions uncomfortable for both parties.

It’s easier to begin a conversation about finances when both partners feel it is safe to do so. It’s never too late to start fresh — if discussing money is already a sticking point, you can always begin creating a safe space for you and your partner to have honest, judgment-free conversations.

Below are some aspects that are useful to think about:

Tone: Pleasant and non-confrontational.
Tone of voice can make or break a conversation. Think of this sentence said in a stern accusing tone, “You spend too much money on unnecessary online shopping!” Now imagine this sentence with a lighter tone “I noticed there’s been a lot spent on online shopping? Could we discuss having a set amount we can both spend on whatever we want?” For someone who has had negative experiences discussing money, your tone can either shut your partner down or leave them feeling safe and secure. Conversations about money don’t have to be so serious! Bring some playfulness and lightness to the conversation and watch your partner transform.
Body Language: Relaxed and open.
Everything about your energy from your tone of voice to body language is sending signals to your partner. This will determine whether they feel safe or need to flee or prepare for an attack. Open body language (no crossed arms!) and a relaxed posture will make your partner feel more at ease.
Connection: Physical touch and reassurance.
A touch can help sooth your partner whether it be a hug to start to conversation or a reassuring hand on their knee. Use touch to stay connected as you are in this together.
Positioning: Sit side-by-side. Position yourself next to your partner rather than across a table. This position is less formal and indicates to your brain you are on the same team rather than opposing teams.

The points above are physical ways to enter into a conversation to set you up for success.

2. Build Understanding
How do you begin a conversation around finances? Most people think that talking about money means talking about numbers. Instead of talking about the mechanics right off the bat start with learning about your partner’s past experiences.

Explore underlying beliefs and emotions about money. Look at the scenarios above and speak about your previous experiences. These are some questions you could ask…

a) What language did your parents use when discussing money e.g. were they always saying things like “we can’t afford that” or “money doesn’t grow on trees”?
b) How did the words your parents used shape your beliefs about money?
c) If your parents never spoke about money how did that shape your beliefs about money?
d) How did you see your parents use money and what beliefs did that create for you?
e) What feelings come up for you when you think about money?
f) What feelings come up when you think about having a conversation about finances?
g) What happened when you spoke about money in your past relationships? Knowing what’s behind your partner’s motivations creates understanding.

3. Money Personalities
Discover your money personality and that of your partner from the image below.